Clinical Reflections

As I revisited the words in Momma and the Meaning of Life, I realized that there were so many things I could have done differently with J. For example, I could have asked, "What feelings did you take home after the last session?" instead of asking (or "accusing/scolding") about his behavior of asking personal questions. Now I can honestly acknowledge how irritated I was at the time by him. Yet, I was "graveled" as he pointed out. It is unpleasant, uncomfortable, humbling, scary, ... to come to such a realization. Will I ever make a good therapist? Did I help or did I do more disservice, damage, and harm? Enactment with examination and correction. How I need wisdom, insight, self-understanding, ... courage to face the weakness and own it, at the same time, motivation to learn, sponge-like absorption, intentional organization, digestion, and internalization, confidence and strength to persevere!

It is also surprising that how my feelings and assumptions color and shape what I receive, for example, my strong reactions to J.'s intake report, H.'s treatment goal setting. It is shocking to realize how selective and biased my attention and reactions can be. In one case, there was an exaggerating and amplifying effect. For the other, I literally blocked some information off! Be aware. Keep your feelings in check. Think of cucumber to stay cool. :-)

I wonder if this has something to do with my avoidance to start my case study write-up. Fears - what if I did not meet the requirement. I surely have made some mistakes. I guess the question is, if I did pay attention to H.'s stated goal during the intake, how I would have done the therapy differently. To be honest, I am not sure. ...

I will come back to it.