Painfully Honest - Sept 30

I know I need to stop and come to reflection, honest to myself and before God. I have been avoiding it subconsciously or consciously. At first, it was the excuse of being tired, being busy, ... Then I just plainly ignored the little voice. Until now, I do need to pause and regroup.

I realized that once again I have been relying on my flesh instead of the power of the Holy Spirit. I have been doing it by my own strength. I have once again been overtaken by the pressure of the world, by the busy-ness, ... I need to come back to the LORD and be grounded once again. I long for the stability, for the calmness, and for the fulfilled-ness of my life when I am in Him and have the deep awareness of His presence in my life. I won't be honest if I pretend it is so now. Time to stop and refocus.

Something to think about: * Is my thesis/or whatever the Ph.D. program takes more important than my relationship with God? The answer is simple. However not so for the daily living part of it. The shouting of daily demands is sometimes too loud and it distracts me from seeking God's sweet whisper. Dear LORD, here I am again. Back before YOU and ask YOU to restore me with Your healing touch and Your loving hand. Here I am once again to lay down my life in front of YOU in exchange for YOUR burden and YOUR yoke. Dear LORD, I come to YOU seeking Your wisdom and Your guidance for my life. Dear LORD, I want more of YOU, more than anything else in the world.

* What is at the root of my wasting time checking E-mail and facebook too frequently and watching movies (or seeking other entertainment) with exhausting abandonment? Is it loneliness? Is it the longing of being connected? Is it the longing to be known? Am I looking for the desire of my heart at all the wrong places, when I need to come to the LORD with my broken heart? Is it pride that keeps me from acknowledging my loneliness? Dear LORD, I do long for a relationship that is for life with another, with the one YOU have made me to be a help mate for. Dear LORD, will you give me the strength and courage to acknowledge the pain of not having and longing? Will you help me stop pushing away those feelings and hiding? Will you help me focus on my relationship with YOU at the mean time? Will you prepare our hearts and prepare the time to come? Dear LORD, please draw me closer to you the next time I want to hide from my longings and my loneliness, and the next after that, ...

Dear LORD, I do come to YOU for help to give me a humble heart. Dear LORD, help me be grateful for the blessings you have given me and the gifts you have bestowed on me. Dear LORD, keep me humble that I will not think of myself higher than I actually am. Dear LORD, I do want to lift up the whole issue of my thesis to your hands. Will you help me defend it on time? Now I have done my best. Dear LORD, may YOUR power be made perfect in my weaknesses! May YOUR name be glorified and blessed through my thesis~ Dear LORD, give me the strength to press on. Hold me tight so that I will always hold on to YOU instead of anything else in the stormy times. I love YOU, LORD. Help me love YOU more!